It hurts.

My gf met her favourite ‘BABA’ today. I knew that after that things are going to become even worst as I was always expecting this to become worst though was hoping for it. And her 1st text came in saying she feels like crying again but she doesn’t wanna cry. Felt the stab already but tried to endure it and just went on till she called me.

She started crying and I knew it was me. Talking to me was painful for her. What can I do? I needed her. I didn’t mean for things to be like this. Really! But yea prolly none would trust me but that’s the truth whether wanna believe me or not. I was very attached to her. No, too attached to her.

It’s not easy for me to deal with everything and I know that her friends and herself would have told her that try to contact me lesser to cope with it and I had to accept it. But I was really stupid by asking her back straight away that she misunderstood me. Yea she thinks I treat her like trash!

That’s the worst ever thing I could have got accused off. She was like my guardian angel, my baby, my bestie, my friend and like how I always felt my wife. She meant the world to me. To be said that I treated her like that, no no I already felt like I wanted to faint already then she was just asking me to let her go and contact her lesser.

I have to. But at the same time I am gonna try to cope with depression and everything else that comes together. I wanna win her back but will she be there then? That’s the most scary thing. I’d bravely say that my heart wont budge from her but I can’t expect the same thing from her, no? She has her own rights to choose what she wants.

With much heart pain I leave things wishing I could practically bash my ownself up for throwing it away. I am lost now. No place to whine, no place to hide, no one to run to when I felt hurt or anything, practically I feel alone. I suppose this is what they wanted me to be like. I always had a phobia of being alone but at the moment that’s all I have.

Yet still she’d always be my everything though it’s over at the moment. I wonder what I could do when I need her so badly. Told her that I won’t cry too much. But I feel like I wanna break down so badly. I love her so much and I know that she loves me too. She cares for me just that she doesn’t know whether she can trust me again or not. That’s why she wants to break up.

I understand how it is. I been through that. It’s painful to even make such decision. I really want her back. I need her. I would do whatever I could to earn her back. I love her and she is all I want. I could sound pathetic or anything but it least concerns me. I love her and I don’t care being pathetic or what to admit it.

Hoping to find the strength to breathe atm. Every breath I take is painful and everything reminds me of her. Ok I think I’d better stop for now. So yea, hopefully I could find some more courage to write about how things are going. Till then.

Confession of The Guilty Heart

I know I haven’t been blogging since the past 2 post that I made. Actually I wanted to blog a lot about what I was cherishing the most in my life but then I lost the stuffs that I wanted to blog about in my old lappie which dieded on me. All pics and everything else gone just like that. But that’s old story. Am writing this at the moment in the wake of a single day spree that kicked up since last Tuesday night when my gf broke up with me.

Here I want to confess that it’s all my fault that I she decided to dump me. Though some people would be actually thinking that they finally took revenge on me by taking away my most precious thing from me but, No ur wrong. It was all my fault. I was so stupid and childish to be so so so dumb!

Yea I really feel like kicking myself. I practically made such mistake that kinda threw away a year long relationship in which I felt I was home. But yea, I lied. I didn’t tell her that I met my ex while I told her that I was meeting with a friend during that time. How stupid of me right?! Just the thought of me meeting my ex itself was already full of dumbness already and lie sumore! Damn wtf of me right?! Sigh~! I realize it now. But what’s the point?

I remember I was just thinking that I didn’t want my gf to feel insecure and all that’s why I lied plus I was meeting someone who cheated on me when I was with her! So yea that was it though it seemed that we (me and ex) were having something going on to others as we seemed like close but yea it was just more like how we used to be even when we were friends. That’s about that particular thing. I do say nothing happened between me and my ex as I was pissed of with her for telling me that she needs both guys (me and the other guy) to go on in her life and she wants me back.

WTF?! What am I? I told her to fuck her ownself and help the other guy to fuck himself too! Was really damn pissed off and hurt and what so ever but I deserved that for actually taking her plea to meet me into consideration in the 1^st place! Sigh~

2^nd but the most biggest lie ever I told her was about smoking. She didn’t want me to smoke as it was bad for my health and all. I did quit smoking and picked up back on and off I should say. I don’t know how to say why I picked it back but yea throwing it away was quite easy but certain times it was really tough. Prolly am just giving excuses again. SHIT?! I don’t want to give excuses again!!!

Ok I picked it back cz I was dumb! OK! I know! I was stupid but i still wonder where my brains went when I lied to my gf saying that I quit when I was practically playing on and off with the habit. Yea, that was the worst ever thing I could have done. What was I thinking? I just didn’t wanna tell her I was still smoking on and off when I was depressed cz I didn’t wanna see her cry or upset. That was the only reason it wasn’t anything else. But yea why didn’t I think of the time when she will find out about it right?

I know I made a mistake which I really really regret at the moment bcz she asked me a question with which I could literally go kill myself with! She asked me if she was so worthless that a year long when I told her I loved her so much if that was a lie itself. That was really a thunderstrike. But still I got no complains about it cz I know what I did and I deserve even worst punishment.

Then comes career stuff. Whole year been battling in and out of works yet financially never really looked any stable. Prolly if I had taken her advice when I told her I wanted move out of my house I might have been better off. As u see I have certain so called responsibilities to play at home when I have to give a certain percentage of my earnings to my parents. Then due to various types of problems, I was changing jobs to find a proper place to start doing work and then came a thought that I could use my old plans to get my own company going!

Yea, mainly the idea came back when I literally went through shit in my previous work place from the pay till every other thing. Leaving that aside a friend said to have plans of doing some youth work so that kinda rekindled my old plans where I wanted to set up my own event company where I get to deal with youth developing while I could develop myself by doing it.

So, I resigned my job before I get thrown out of the job and go payless! I get my pay and another friend borrows money from me saying would pay me back in 3 days. I was actually wanted to keep that money to pay back my debt with my gf which at that time stood at RM400. I know most of you guys would be like WTF is wrong with this dude?! Borrowing money from the gf?! Yea I know. It was shameful and guilt and everything else that I could relate to it. Though I didn’t say anything about bcz I didn’t know what was I suppose to do.

Since the friend said 3 days so I gave him and though till today I didn’t see the money being promised today, tomorrow and what ever, I don’t know whether I even want that money back now.

Coming back to the company thingy, we started doing stuff and recruited people without checking their background fully and I paid the ultimate price for it as now they have practically become like strangers to me as they hate me now and think I played them out or what so ever. Like drama hor? Thought so.

So this people told my gf about my lies and then there u have it. What they wanted prolly, my gf dumbed me saying that if I want her back I got to earn her back. Most prolly u guys might not wanna do that again but this is my only chance of showing her that I really really really love her. That’s how I see it atleast. I told her that I would become a better person in all aspect (financial, career, attitude and whatever included) and then I would win her back.

But saying is simple than done right? Was already scared that might lose her all the while went we were together now since I am not going to be around, just imagine the feeling. I don’t know what’s wrong with me as I felt so numb since that day felt like crying and laughing at the same time! Even right now, she is on the phone though sleeping. she didn’t wanna cut the line so I let her listen to me while I type this. I know things would never be the same.

I screwed up super big time. I should have known better and I realize what I did wrong and I want to redo everything. Though am scared to look forward for tomorrow, I should go get some rest. Really can’t take this headache anymore.